Thursday, April 30, 2009

How to build a zombie army in the 21st century

A new and frightening experiment has begun in our home. Jacob is trying to start a zombie army.

In the old days (before the 20th century), you'd use black magic or voodoo to raise a group of undead humans to do your bidding. In the 20th century things got out of hand with the advent of radiation-induced zombies (often by accident, so they were nobody's army, just shambling hordes bent on eating the living) or pharmacological zombies (why can't we just say no to drugs? Darn medical-industrial complex).

Jacob is experimenting with a new method. For the past couple of days, he gets up a couple of times in the middle of the night and then wakes up between 5 and 6 a.m. Angie and I are starting to crack under the strain of no sleep. We shamble around the house in the morning and try to make breakfast without making any mistakes, like OJ in the breakfast cereal or salt instead of sugar in the tea. Speaking of tea, I tried to drink from an empty mug this morning. The kettle was still boiling.

After breakfast, we shamble about moaning, "Sleep, sleep!" for most of the day. We hope he'll fall asleep and we can nap too, but he never lets us get household chores done while he's awake. So while he sleeps, we clean and cook and vacuum (he pretends that he's afraid of the vacuum cleaner) and make shopping lists. Just when we've got things done, he awakens and demands to be read to or have his next meal or go outside. He's making us docile and depriving us of our ability to think. Pretty soon we will be doing whatever he tells us. Maybe we are already...

Yes, sleep-deprivation zombies are the wave of the future. You could be next.

1 comment:

  1. This is good practice for you guys! When the swine flu mutates and there's an army of zombies outside your home, you'll know how to blend in (a la "Shaun of the Dead"). Thanks for getting me that movie for my b-day by the way!